Proper Mens room etiquette video

In case you didn't know the rules and why we have them, now you've been warned....

1/15/11 11:27am Shoney's Restaurant

    Todays adventure takes me outside of the Triangle area of North Carolina to Myrtle Beach South Carolina. (yeah yeah I know not a big road trip but whatever!)  This morning I stopped at Shoney's for the southeast famous breakfast buffet.  Or as I refer to it "world famous bacon buffet".  Anyone who has seen me eat before knows I can eat about a pound of bacon by myself no problem.  To steal a line from Benjamin Franklin and modify it, "Bacon is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    After 3 plates of bacon, and other assorted breakfast items and 3 cups of coffee I had to do what people who eat like a pig have to do.  I paid for my slow death and made a "B line" for the bathroom.  On the way I was hassled by a guy trying to sell me tickets to stuff here in Myrtle Beach.  Why catch people on the way to the throne? Wait until I'm coming out dude! I'll be more comfortable and willing to spend money. But no! You just annoyed me!
    When I walked in the mens room had a certain aura to itself that said "Many pig out experts such as yourself have been here before". (That's not a good thing by the way)  The handicap stall was free this time. As a bonus it had its own sink, SCORE!  I cleaned the seat before I took my position of power.
    I dropped what was the same consistency of rabbit pellets into the bowl.  But these were much bigger and came with a slash back velocity. NOOOO!  I tried to hurry this one along because it was only a matter of time before.... Oh no! no no no not a walk in now!
    Thats right folks, I should have figured out that at Shoney's there would be more than myself that had to use the john.  What was weird about this one was he walked in, stood in front of the stall for a second, realized it was in use, washed his hands to play a little C.Y.A. and walked out the door.  I know what game he was playing.  For him it's either handicap stall or nothing at all.  I can appreciate a person with standards.
   Todays dump will be called "Attack of the Giant Bunny". 5 wipes.

1/13/11 11:00am BP Station

    It was definitely a compromise day for me when I strolled into the BP station in north Durham.  I had to nurse an atomic bomb for about 2 hours before I had an opportunity to drop it like Hiroshima!  And the first chance I had at this gas station I took it.  I knew if I didn't I would have to hold onto it for about another hour or even more.
   I had to do what i dread the most when I have to go this bad, and thats clean a restroom before I use it.  Fortunately, it was a single toilet unit so there was no chance of a walk in.  So after cleaning up other peoples piss and pubes off the seat we were ready to go.  Thankfully, there was a bottle of disinfectant spray on the floor near the sink I could use to clean with.  It's pretty sad that I have to do someone else's job just to use the bathroom...

    The second I sat down somebody knocked on the door making me lose my concentration and causing me to become nervous.  I let out a YO! (I know its lame, but i hate saying stuff like "somebody's in heeerreee") I then refocused and backed it out.  I swear it was a dreadnaught!  Have you ever seen that episode of South Park where the satellite dish came out of Cartman's butt?  That leads me to another question that maybe a female could answer. (I must be delirious if I think women read this blog.) How do girls hover to use the toilet and poop? Because I need a base of operation so i can focus on the task at hand. It just seems like it would be a big mess and a hassle to use the bathroom that way.
    Anyway today there was an interesting drawing on the wall that I found to be "blogworthy".  Based on the sheer magnitude of poop that came out this trip and the location of this entry I will call this one the "BP oil spill". 3 wipes amazingly!

1/10/11 9:55am Apartments at American Tobacco

    Well I'm back! Got my schedule right and my routine down pact again. For the past month my poop schedule has been off, using the bathroom at home instead of "on the road".
  Todays adventure brings me to The Apartments at American Tobacco in downtown Durham NC. Now first things first. I am absolutely infatuated with this place. If I made over 100k a year this would be where I would want to live. It's just so suave and cool. But anyways, on to business.
    I felt today's brick coming a mile away. Woke up this morning with a bubbly stomach and just knew today was going to be a blog entry kind of day. I went up to the leasing office and asked to use the john. I usually avoid this place because there is almost zero privacy here. The thin bathroom door is literally 10 feet from where someone works. But the way I felt, the time limit that was about to expire before I crapped my pants was closing in. In other words, I didn't care if it sounded like I was murdering someone in there, this was gonna happen!
  So I ran in and from the time I locked the door to the time I sat down was a blur. The only thing I remember was ripping my coat off and throwing it on the floor. I sat down and flushed at the same time I went so not to stink up the joint. It was pointless because before the bowl could refill with water I had filled it back up with round 2 of my feces. It made me wish I never courtousy flushed just so I could see the full mountain of poop I was holding on to. I reflushed before I wiped. Today's butt shredder was 7 wipes! What a stinky, sweaty, and painful return.... But oh was it a good one!

12/1/2010 9:33am Harris Teeter

Man that was a close one!.. Today I had to make an emergency pit stop at the Harris Teeter off guess rd in north Durham. The restroom smelled of fresh apples, which is a change of pace from the normal doo doo and vomit smell. The handicap stall was open and the bathroom was free of people! I ran to my favorite stall and sat down and was instantly relieved! But that feeling of release soon became stress when I had the dreaded "walk in". Without hesitation he came to the handicap stall and tried to open it.. What ever happened to knocking if a door's closed? Or at least scanning the crack of the door with your eyes to see if the lock is in place. I gave out a fake cough to let the guy know the stall was occupied, and he walked away. Just as he walked away, another person came in and did the same exact thing! Give me a break dude! He took the coffin stall and began to "power piss". Which brings me to another point. I think that I am a very considerate restroom patron. I flush the toilet, I wipe the seat when I'm done, I courtosy flush when I poop so it doesn't smell too bad, and I piss on the side not the middle of the bowl so others don't have to listen to it. I get it dude, you really gotta pee, no need to show off your ability to "horse piss". Also both invaders did not wash their hands... I hope they aren't working in the meat, deli, bakery, or produce department. That just puzzles me.. I don't care how "clean" a public restroom is, I think you should still wash your hands. I had choice for toilet paper today. One roll of the flufy stuff, and one of the "John Wayne Special". The more suprising thing than the choice is, that from the looks of it the rough stuff is used more! I guess I'm just a wuss. Today's defecation I will call "The Photo Finish" and it took a whopping 8 wipes!
   
     Ps. When I tried to take a picture of the restroom for the blog I was hit in the back by the door as another person walked in. So the blur was a result of that. I guess I could've taken another picture with him in there, or waited until he left.  But that would just be flat out wierd....

11/29/2010 8:20am Subway

Went to Subway in Garner, NC off Timber dr. Had to drop one off seriously. Like pants were too tight seriously. The second I walked in I noticed how clean it was. To the point where I could smell the sanitizer yay! Single person bathroom so no walk ins at all. I'm impressed! I expected a disaster but got a treat. I got nothing more to say. I am naming today's log appropriately the "5, 5 dollar, 5 dollar footlooong". 4 wipes.

11/23/2010 1:07pm Waffle House

Todays adventure took me to the Waffle House off of I-40 in Durham NC. Lets just say I was desperate. Now, I love to eat at Waffle House (yes I know I'm white trash) but, I hate pooping there. First things first, the bathroom smelled horrific. Like every trucker had relations with "lot lizzards" in there. Now, I have to ask the question! Why piss all over the sit down toilet when there is a urinal right next to it? IT'S A ONE MAN BATHROOM! So first off, I had to clean the toilet to be able to use it. When I sat down all I could think was how many drunk, high, or diseased people have sat on this porcelain throne. That thought became fear when my flush sprayed water back at me! Now all I could think were questions like; do I have aids now? Can I get high from meth germs, and, why God why?! I noticed the paint on the wall next to the urinal was corroded from piss splash. Seriously, you can't hit the bowl?. But also, I must remember that the average Waffle House patron is shall we say rather inebriated. Today's crap was slick so I shall call them "cleaveland sliders". I also felt rushed due to the fact that "Seabass" could come through that door any minute and show me a good time. 4 wipes.